In high school, I was very fortunate to get a job working as an aide for a physical therapy clinic. It was a really fun job, and they also had a location in a city that was home to a community college, so I was able to work for the company through my first years of college.

My job was to assist the PT while he did inpatient care at a nursing home. I really loved it. The old people were hilarious and pretty entertaining (although sometimes frustrating) and I got paid relatively well for a college student.

We were able to wear scrubs to work, and since they are pretty dang comfortable, and the fact that we had to be to work at 6am, I took advantage of the opportunity. However, as a poor college student, I really hadn’t invested in too many pairs.

On the day of this particular embarrassing moment (I am the type of person to whom many moments like this happen, unfortunately), I was wearing a pair of bottoms that were not actually scrub bottoms, but had a button and fly, not elastic, and they were more fitted than traditional scrub bottoms. But since they looked like them, they still worked.

During my shift,  I was helping a woman who was recovering from a total hip replacement. She was laying on the bed doing leg lifts, and I was helping her with her exercises. I was sitting on one of those low stools with wheels, when I saw her motion to me to lean in so she could whisper to me.

“Darling, I think it’s your menses,”she tried to whisper, but spoke not too quietly, pointing her finger at me.

I stared at her. What?

Ohhhh. That’s an old-timey way of saying that I am on the rag.

Wait, What?!

My eye snapped to my pants only to discover a HUGE gaping hole, exposing my bright red underwear.

Yep, I had worked for several hours, at two different facilities, with a huge hole in my pants, with my underwear exposed.

Thank you co-workers and anyone who may have seen but didn’t say anything to me, ‘preciate you guys!

Well, the Boy is off the boob.

I can’t lie and say I was not excited for this day. I have been counting down the days, to be honest.

I have spoken with so many women who say that nursing is “wonderful”, an “amazing bonding experience,” but I never really got that.

First of all, he wouldn’t do it very well to begin with. Because my milk didn’t come in, the nurse had our baby suckle Dallas’s pinky finger while we fished a small tube with a syringe of formula into his mouth. They told us he would never breastfeed if we gave him a bottle. So, for about a week, I pumped and Dallas would feed him.  I was told to attempt to breastfeed for at least 10 minutes for each feeding.

Each and every feeding (every two hours, round the clock) ended up with a screaming baby, and me, crying out of frustration. I knew in my heart I could never be a good mom as I handed over my child to anyone nearby and retreated to some dark corner to pump him a meal.

After several weeks of pumping and bottle feeding, and with the help of a wonderful and gifted lactation specialist, I was finally able to get him to eat.

But the damage was done. I hated it. I. Hated. It.

Feedings would give me stomachaches, because I had that dread tattooed on my emotional brain.

I told myself I would do it for six month and then give him formula.

Well, my little Stinker wouldn’t take formula. He spat it out and gave me a face like I was trying to poison him.
Who could blame him, though, honestly. Have you tried that stuff? Blech.  It tastes like an Iron milkshake, sans milk or anything remotely tasty. I tried it the last time I tried to force it down his gullet, and then decided I guess I could make it six more months.

So the day came. He turned a year. I was finished! But then…
…I couldn’t do it. I was only nursing at night, but the thought actually made me sad.
I decided tonight that I would put him down with a sippy cup. As I was rocking him, I had this strange feeling of guilt and regret. For a second, I almost changed my mind.

I know what you’re thinking, why quit if you want to keep nursing him?

Here are my reasons:

1. In my religious beliefs, we fast each month for any cause that we feel warrants it (a sick friend, a family member dealing with issues, etc) and I can’t while I am nursing.
2. We are ready for him to have a sleep over with grandma, and he can’t sleep over if he needs to be nursed.
3.  I need to be my own person, be able to take medications (I have chronic headaches), eat what I want!

I know these reasons aren’t super solid, but they are important to me and I have been excited! I never expected that I would be miss it.

So there I sat, rocking him, my eyes wet and my heart full. I said a silent prayer of gratitude, thanking my God for giving me this wonderful infant, for blessing me with the opportunity to raise my own child, to be a mom. And begged forgiveness for all the sleepless nights and postpartum emotional breakdowns when I wanted to send him back, when I regretted getting pregnant, when I knew I made a mistake and I couldn’t do this.

Because it wasn’t true.

Who couldn’t love this mug?

The Boy and I took a trip to Kansas this week.

 Some friends of ours moved there recently, and I have been meaning to go visit for several months. My husband gets stand-by tickets with his job, so I used one to fly out there. I have to say…it was scary! I planned on coming back Thursday, but actually couldn’t get home until Saturday. Also, our flight had a lay-over in Denver, so I just had to hope that the flight could fit us.
FYI:
For anyone who plans on flying stand-by, the best days to fly are Tuesday, Wednesday, and Saturday. I assumed that week-days would be best, but, apparently, Monday and Thursday, which are the days I picked, are actually the worst. 

My Sunshine did AMAZING! He played or slept most of the flights. He got fussy only for a little bit, but fellow passengers graciously helped keep him entertained. 

I have to admit, I pictured Kansas as being a desolate wasteland.
Although it is VERY flat, it still has beauty.

           …and also hay fields in the middle of town.

It was a very fun trip, we took the kids to the pool, the zoo, the park, and just had fun hanging together.